( theme music playing )
OH, HEY. IS BOB HERE YET?
AFTER BEING STUCK HERE WITH YOU,
I CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE SOME REAL GUY TIME.
I'D RESPOND TO THAT INSULT,
BUT I'M TOO BUSY WORRYING ABOUT HOW I'M GONNA BREAK THE NEWS TO BARBARA.
RIGHT, YEAH.
WHAT NEWS?
ABOUT BAILEY AND ME,
THAT WE'RE PRACTICALLY A COUPLE.
THAT'S NOT NEWS. THAT'S A FANTASY.
THE POINT IS BOB AND BARBARA
ARE COMING TO MIAMI TO VISIT US FOR SPRING BREAK
AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO BREAK BARBARA'S HEART.
NO, YOU DON'T.
HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS?
OKAY, YOU DON'T STEP OUT OF ONE CANOE
UNTIL YOU'RE FIRMLY IN ANOTHER ONE,
PREFERABLY, A HOTTER CANOE...
WHOSE PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN A LOT.
LOOK, EVEN IF I WERE WILLING TO CONSIDER THAT,
THERE'S NO WAY I CAN HIDE THE HEAT BETWEEN BAILEY AND ME.
YOU TWO WOULDN'T HAVE HEAT IF YOU WERE IN A SAUNA...
THAT WAS ON FIRE
IN A VOLCANO
ON THE SUN.
HEY, GUYS.
WELL, I'M OFF TO VISIT MY COUSIN CLETUS'S GATOR FARM.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE HERE THIS WEEKEND?
NOPE, I'LL BE WRASSLIN' GATORS.
BY THE WAY, I'M SUPPOSED TO TELL A FRIEND
MY BLOOD TYPE IS O-NEGATIVE.
( stammers ) DUDE!
YOUR OLD GIRLFRIEND IS COMING,
YOUR IMAGINARY ONE IS LEAVING.
YOU'RE GOLDEN.
- ( pop music playing ) - ♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪
♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪
♪ COME ALONG WITH ME ♪
♪ LET'S HEAD OUT TO SEE WHAT THIS WORLD HAS ♪
♪ FOR YOU AND FOR ME NOW ♪
♪ WHICHEVER WAY THE WIND BLOWS ♪
♪ WE SAY HEY, HO, LET'S GO! ♪
- ♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪ - ♪ THIS BOAT'S ROCKIN' ♪
- ♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪ - ♪ AIN'T NO STOPPING US NOW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE LIVING THE SUITE LIFE ♪
- ♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪ - ♪ THIS BOAT'S ROCKIN' ♪
- ♪ OH-AY-OH! ♪ - ♪ ROCKIN' THE WHOLE WORLD 'ROUND ♪
♪ AND WE'RE LIVING THE SUITE LIFE NOW ♪
♪ HEY, HO! OH-AY-OH! LETS GO! ♪
- LONDON! - London: WOW!
YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MY FRIEND CHELSEA--
SAME STRINGY HAIR, SAME UGLY CLOTHES,
- SAME BAD NOSE JOB. - I AM CHELSEA.
CHELSEA, YOU LOOK FABULOUS!
( both kiss )
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - I WANTED TO SURPRISE MY BEST FRIEND!
- AND GET THE REAL DIRT. - ON WHO?
- YOU. - OOH.
SEE, WHEN YOU DIDN'T SHOW UP FOR SKIING IN ASPEN,
SOME PEOPLE THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD.
OR WORSE,
- AT FAT CAMP! - ( gasps )
WHAT?!
CLEARLY, I'M ALIVE, SHAPELY
AND LIVING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL BOAT.
YEAH, IT IS NICE.
OOH, AND I AM DYING TO SEE YOUR SUITE.
I'M SURE IT'S GORGEOUS.
ACTUALLY, IT'S BEING VACUUMED RIGHT NOW,
WHICH COULD TAKE-- HOW LONG ARE YOU GONNA BE HERE?
- THREE DAYS. - FOUR DAYS.
- OH. - DID I MENTION IT'S BIG?
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO UNPACK AND I'LL COME TO YOU?
- LONDON? - YEAH?
- YES, WOODY? - THAT IS THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BABE
I HAVE EVER LAID EYES ON.
DOES SHE HAVE ANY INTEREST IN WOODWORKING?
( laughs )
IS THAT A YES?
OH, HERE SHE COMES.
- HI, BARBARA. - HI, CODY!
BOB!
- YOU LOOK GREAT. - OH NO, YOU LOOK GREAT.
BOB, YOU LOOK FANTASTIC.
OKAY, BUDDY, YOU CAN LET GO NOW.
SORRY. I'M JUST SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU.
OH, GROSS. LOOKS LIKE I GOT A LITTLE SNOT ON YOUR SHIRT.
THAT'S OKAY. THE STRIPES WILL HIDE IT.
SO YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE BOAT. IT'S JUST LIKE THE TIPTON,
BUT IF YOU WALK OUT THE FRONT DOOR, YOU DROWN.
( giggles ) STILL AS FUNNY AS EVER.
YEAH.
SO, BARBARA,
LOOK I NEED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.
WHAT IS IT, CODY?
SHUFFLEBOARD AT 3:00!
OH, I'LL GO TELL BOB.
DECIDED NOT TO TELL HER, HUH?
GOOD MOVE.
NO, I JUST HAVE TO FIND THE RIGHT TIME TO TELL HER.
I MEAN, SHE'S OBVIOUSLY STILL IN LOVE WITH ME.
SO WHY HAVEN'T YOU BROKEN UP WITH HIM YET?
BUT WE JUST GOT HERE.
HE'S OBVIOUSLY STILL IN LOVE WITH ME.
WELL, SO AM I!
LOOK, I CAN'T HIDE OUR LOVE.
MY PASSION IS AS FIERY AS MY HAIR.
- OH, BOB. - OH, BARBARA.
( gasps ) CHELSEA!
I WAS JUST COMING UP TO SEE YOU.
- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? - LOOKING FOR YOU.
THOSE WORKER PEOPLE TOLD ME YOU LIVED... HERE.
I DON'T LIVE HERE. THIS IS MY SHOE CLOSET.
LET'S GO.
NOW IF THIS IS A CLOSET,
THEN WHY ARE THERE BEDS IN HERE?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE MY SHOES SLEEP.
SHH. MY PUMPS ARE POOPED.
NOW WHO'S THIS FARM GIRL IN THE PICTURE
WITH THE PITCHFORK AND HAY IN HER TEETH?
THAT'S BAILEY, MY SHOE-CLOSET MAID.
OH, MAYBE SHE COULD GET US SOME TEA.
SHE ONLY DOES SHOES.
OH, MAYBE ONE OF YOUR MANY OTHER SERVANTS COULD GET US SOME TEA.
- ABSOLUTELY. - OKAY.
SOMEONE, I NEED A SERVANT FAST!
- ( shrieks ) - HI.
WOODY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WELL, I'M NOT HERE FOLLOWING YOUR INCREDIBLY HOT FRIEND
WHICH WOULD BE WEIRD.
GREAT. THEN YOU CAN BE MY BUTLER.
WHY WOULD I WANT TO DO THAT?
BECAUSE CHELSEA HAS FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER LAST FOUR BUTLERS.
THEN I LIVE TO BUTTLE.
SORRY TO KEEP YOU WAITING, BUT I WANTED TO GET YOU MY BEST BUTLER WOOD...FORD.
( rings bell )
WOODFORD'S THE NAME.
BUTTLING IS THE GAME.
HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE, MADAM?
THAT'S A FUNNY ACCENT.
( enunciating slowly ) WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
- CLEVELAND. - ENGLAND! CLEVELAND, ENGLAND.
OH, I THINK I'VE BEEN THERE.
NOW HE SEEMS KIND OF YOUNG.
AND I'VE NEVER SEEN A BUTLER WITH BRACES.
HE'S A BUTLER PRODIGY.
WHEN HE WAS A BABY, HIS FIRST WORDS WERE "MILK AND SUGAR?"
AHEM.
I'LL GET IT. OOOP, HOLD THAT.
HE WAS A BUTLER PRODIGY?
HE PEAKED EARLY.
CHECK IT OUT. CHATEAU ZACK!
( laughs ) SWEET.
NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE, THE FUN CAN BEGIN.
YEAH, IT'S GONNA GET WILD UP IN HERE!
CRAZY! I'M BACK WITH MY BEST BUDDY!
- AND I'M WITH MY BEST BUDDY! - YEAH!
BOB, LET'S GO TO THE SKY DECK.
OH, OKAY.
HEY, KOOKY CODY.
YOU WANT TO JOIN THE SPRING-BREAKERS AND PLAY TOSS THE EGG?
ACTUALLY, I'M WAITING FOR SOMEONE.
OKAY, IT'LL REALLY CRACK YOU UP.
SO IT LOOKS LIKE CODY TOOK THE BREAK-UP PRETTY WELL.
WELL, I HAVEN'T EXACTLY BROKEN UP WITH HIM YET.
WHAT? YOU WOULDN'T TELL HIM TODAY,
YOU WOULDN'T TELL HIM LAST NIGHT?
WHY ARE YOU KEEPING OUR LOVE IN THE SHADOWS?
I WANT TO PROCLAIM IT TO THE WORLD!
SHH! YOU DO AND I WILL BEND YOUR ARM INTO A PRETZEL...
HONEYBEAR.
THIS HAS TO BE DONE RIGHT.
BOB, WHY ARE YOU SPENDING SO MUCH TIME TALKING TO BARBARA?!
THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR TIME.
BARBARA, WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO CODY?
YEAH, BARBARA, WHY DON'T YOU GO TALK TO CODY?
OKAY OKAY.
HEY, KIDS, WANNA PLAY AN EGG-CELLENT GAME?
WHO'S PERKY POLLY?
THIS IS CONNIE, OUR ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR.
IT'S NOT ACTIVITIES DIRECTOR.
IT'S "CHIEF OF FUN-TERTAINMENT."
- IS THAT YOUR OFFICIAL TITLE? - YEAH!
ISN'T IT FUN-TASTIC?
CODY, WE NEED TO TALK.
YEAH, WE DO.
ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP--
CAN I HELP YOU?
UH, NO. JUST WANTED TO GET A BETTER VIEW OF THE EGG TOSSING.
( chuckles ) IT'S GRIPPING.
LOOK, LET'S FACE IT.
WHEN PEOPLE ARE AWAY FROM EACH OTHER, THINGS HAPPEN.
THEY GROW APART, BECOME CLOSE TO NEW PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW?
KNOW WHAT?
THAT BOB AND I ARE DATING.
YOU'RE WHAT?!
WHEN DID THIS LITTLE LOVE CONNECTION HAPPEN?
REMEMBER THE DAY YOU LEFT BOSTON ON THE SHIP?
- YEAH. - THAT NIGHT.
LOOK, WE NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU.
PFFT. HURT? ME?
I'M NOT HURT.
MAYBE I'D BE HURT IF I DIDN'T...
ALREADY HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ON THE SHIP.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
- OH, HE'S NOT GONNA. - YEAH, HER NAME IS BAILEY.
YEP, HE'S GONNA.
WELL, YOU NEVER MENTIONED ANY BAILEY.
WELL, YOU NEVER MENTIONED MY "PAL" BOB.
OKAY OKAY, SO I GUESS WE'VE BOTH MOVED ON.
YEAH, I TRIED TO STAY FAITHFUL,
BUT BAILEY IS GORGEOUS
AND SHE WAS ALL OVER ME.
I'M A MAN. I'M WEAK.
APPARENTLY.
I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO MEET HER,
BUT SADLY SHE'S AWAY AT HER COUSIN'S GATOR FARM.
HEY, GUYS.
BAILEY!
THIS JUST GOT SLIGHTLY MORE FUN-TERTAINING.
BAILEY...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING BACK FROM THE GATOR FARM?
COUSIN CLETUS DRANK SOME SWAMP WATER
AND GOT OKEFENOKEE FEVER,
SO THE AUTHORITIES CAME AND GAVE ALL THE GATORS TO LIZARD WORLD.
SEE YOU LATER, ALLIGATORS.
WOW, CODY, SHE'S REALLY COLORFUL.
- HI, I'M BAILEY. - I'M BARBARA.
BOY, YOU GUYS CAN SURE TALK TALK TALK,
BUT I'M SURE YOU WANT TO GET BACK TO YOUR ROOM AND REST
FOR LIKE A DAY OR TWO.
WHY DON'T WE ALL DO SOMETHING LATER?
- GEE, I DON'T KNOW. - HOW ABOUT MOVIE NIGHT?
"FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE"?
ISN'T THAT THAT HUGH GRANT THING?
I'D RATHER REMOVE MY EYEBROWS WITH DUCT TAPE.
AND I'M SURE BAILEY'S TIRED FROM ALL THAT WRASSLIN'.
NO, I'M NOT.
AND I'VE BEEN DYING TO SEE "FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE."
IT'S THE SEQUEL TO "TEARS IN MY HANDBAG."
GREAT. SO IT'S SETTLED. WE'LL ALL GO TOGETHER.
BETTER FIND SOME DUCT TAPE.
SO WHAT'S THE DEAL?
I MEAN, I KNOW WHY I'M TRYING TO IMPRESS CHELSEA,
BUT WHY ARE YOU?
CHELSEA WILL RUIN MY REPUTATION
IF SHE FINDS OUT I'M LIVING WITH REGULAR PEOPLE--
LIKE YOU.
SHE MAY BE MY BEST FRIEND,
BUT SHE'S ALSO HORRIBLE, MEAN AND NASTY.
AND HOT!
( knocks on door ) THERE YOU ARE, LONDON.
WHY ARE YOU IN HERE AGAIN?
JUST PICKING OUT MY MOVIE SHOES.
OH, WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU LET YOUR BUTLER SIT?
( gasps ) WOODFORD WAS NOT SITTING.
HE WAS TESTING THE FURNITURE.
WHY?
TO MAKE SURE IT WASN'T SOMEONE DISGUISED AS A CHAIR
TRYING TO ROB HER.
( gasps ) BAILEY?!
OH, IT'S THE HAY GIRL.
YOU LET YOUR MAID WEAR CAPRI SHORTS?
THAT'S IT!
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU NEVER TO WEAR NORMAL CLOTHES?!
- YOU'RE FIRED. - WHAT?
YOU'VE BEEN REPLACED BY WOODFORD.
- BUT-- - THAT'S ENOUGH! OUT YOU GO!
- ( knocks ) - LONDON, OPEN THIS DOOR RIGHT NOW!
HELP THESE DAYS.
( whispers ) BUNK WITH ADDISON FOR THE NEXT TWO NIGHTS
AND I'LL BUY YOUR GRAMMY A NEW BARN
- AND A SILO? - YEAH, WHATEVER THAT IS.
AH, LOOKIN' SHARP.
OOPS. FORGOT TO SHAVE.
GOTTA LOOK GOOD FOR MOVIE NIGHT.
DONE.
DUDE, I JUST CAN'T WRAP MY HEAD AROUND THIS.
YOU AND BARBARA?
SHE'S HOT.
BARBARA'S FAVORITE-- CINNAMON TWIST.
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THE I'M-NEVER-GONNA- BE-TIED-DOWN BOB?
THAT WAS BEFORE A GIRL ACTUALLY LIKED ME.
LOOK, I'M TELLING YOU,
ONCE YOU OPEN UP YOUR HEART AND LET LOVE IN,
THE WORLD JUST BECOMES A BEAUTIFUL SUNNY PLACE.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.
SO WHAT SAY YOU
WHEN THE LIGHTS GO DOWN, WE SNEAK OUT OF HERE
AND GO TO THE GAME ROOM FOR AN HOUR,
THEN WE'RE BACK BEFORE HUGH GRANT STAMMERS THROUGH
HIS LAST APOLOGY?
NOT GONNA HAPPEN. BARBARA'S A HAND-HOLDER.
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING TO KNOW YOUR FRIENDS FROM BOSTON.
YEAH, THAT'S A BAD IDEA. THEY'RE EASILY OFFENDED,
SO YOU PROBABLY SHOULDN'T SAY MUCH.
HEY, FILM FREAKS, IT'S MORE FUN IN THE FRONT.
- NO, WE'RE JUST GONNA SIT RIGHT HERE. - SERIOUSLY, THIS IS MY SEAT
AND I'VE GIVEN UP ENOUGH IN MY LIFE. GO.
- HEY, GUYS. - HI.
OKAY, QUIET DOWN. MOVIE'S STARTING.
( sighs ) WAKE ME WHEN THIS NIGHTMARE IS OVER.
( loudly ) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
I PRESENT MISS LONDON TIPTON
AND MISS CHELSEA BRIMMER.
All: SHH.
SHH YOURSELF!
ESCORT US TO OUR SEATS.
OH, RIGHT. YES, EXCUSE ME. PARDON ME.
PARDON ME. EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.
OH, SORRY. THERE YOU GO, THERE YOU GO.
MY FOOT!
WOODFORD, WE COULD USE SOME MOVIE SNACKS,
PERHAPS A CREME BRULEE AND A NICE TART TARTIN.
TWO ICE CREAM SANDWICHES COMING RIGHT UP.
EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME. OH, PARDON ME.
- SORRY ABOUT THAT. I SAID EXCUSE ME! - MY FOOT!
Man on film: Natasha, don't go.
We can work this out.
Natasha: It's too late. You betrayed me
and nothing can ever put it right again.
- But I brought flowers... - Women: AWWW.
- ...and chocolate. - KILL ME NOW.
( Natasha gobbling )
- Natasha: Delicious! - You're lovely...
- ( loud kiss ) - ...and delicious.
- Natasha: Oh, Neil. - Oh, Natasha.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
YOU HAVE A PIECE OF DANDRUFF ON YOUR SHOULDER.
I GOT IT.
SHH SHH. GUYS, QUIET QUIET QUIET.
NEIL GOT NATASHA TRUFFLES AND ROSES,
BUT THOSE WERE MICHELLE'S FAVORITE.
WELL, I CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THE BLABBING SO I MIGHT AS WELL WATCH.
Wait a second. Truffles and roses?
You don't like them?
No, I like pralines and daisies.
BAILEY...
COULD I HAVE A PIECE OF LICORICE?
Who are these for?
( crying ) Is there another woman?
SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOUR HANDS?
UH, MY ARMS FELL ASLEEP.
- TELL YOUR GIRLFRIEND I THINK NEIL IS ABOUT TO PROPOSE TO MICHELLE.
- GIRLFRIEND? - NO NO NO, NATASHA IS THE GIRLFRIEND.
NEIL'S PROPOSING TO MICHELLE...
THE OTHER WOMAN.
YOU TOLD HER I WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?!
WE ARE NOT DATING.
ARE YOU SAYING WE'RE OVER?!
All: AWW.
OVER?! WE NEVER STARTED.
SO YOU MADE ALL THIS UP JUST TO MAKE ME JEALOUS?!
AHA. YOU WERE JEALOUS.
THIS IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE MOVIE.
WAIT. ISN'T THAT THE MAID YOU JUST FIRED?
- I'M NOT HER MAID. I'M HER ROOMMATE. - ( gasps )
GASP!
- YOU HAVE A ROOMMATE? - YES, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK, I LIVE IN A SHOEBOX WHICH I HAVE TO SHARE.
I'M A REGULAR STUDENT AND I HAVE NO SERVANTS.
THEN WHO IS HE?
JUST SOME FREAK WHO LIKES YOU.
I RESENT THAT, MADAM, UNLESS YOU LIKE FREAKS.
EWW!
I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU USED ME LIKE THAT.
YEAH, AND JUST TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.
- ( scoffs ) MEN. - THEY STINK.
- I'M OUT OF HERE. - I'M WITH YOU, SISTER.
YOU SEE WHAT YOU DID?
- Barbara: BOB? - COMING, DEAR.
WELL, ZACK, LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
( whimpering )
IT'S JUST SO SAD.
I MEAN, HE PUTS THE FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATE...
RIGHT ON HER TOMBSTONE.
SNUGGLE WITH ZACK. SNUGGLE WITH ZACK.
CHELSEA, I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU BEFORE YOU LEFT.
OH, DON'T WORRY. I WON'T TELL ANYBODY AT THE COUNTRY CLUB
YOU'RE LIVING WITH REGULAR PEOPLE.
I'LL JUST SAY YOU WERE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.
NO, YOU CAN TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
MY DAD IS MAKING ME GO TO THIS STUPID SEA SCHOOL.
WHY? DOES HE HATE YOU?
NO. ACTUALLY HE LOVES ME
AND WANTS ME TO BECOME A MATURE RESPONSIBLE ADULT.
EWW, I FEEL REALLY SORRY FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I FEEL REALLY SORRY FOR YOU,
BECAUSE WHILE YOU WASTE YOUR LIFE SHOPPING
AND JETTING OFF TO FASHION SHOWS,
I'LL BE GETTING AN EDUCATION AND THEN A REAL JOB.
( crying ) OH NO, THIS IS AWFUL!
- I'LL GO WITH THE ALIEN THING. - YOU'RE A TRUE FRIEND.
( air kisses )
- HEY, CODY. - HEY, BAILEY.
I SEE YOU GOT MY "SORRY" BEAR.
YUP. THANKS.
AND BY THE WAY...
IF YOU'D WANTED ME TO BE YOUR GIRLFRIEND,
ALL YOU HAD TO DO WAS ASK.
- REALLY? - SURE.
I'D BE HAPPY TO PRETEND.
OH, PRETEND.
RIGHT. MAKE-BELIEVE.
FUN.
SEE, 'CAUSE IF I'D BEEN IN ON IT,
WE COULD HAVE MADE BARBARA REALLY JEALOUS.
- I COULD'VE DONE THIS... - ( giggles ) STOP IT.
- ...AND THIS... - I WOULD'VE PRETENDED TO LIKE THAT.
...AND TO TOP IT OFF, I COULD'VE DONE THIS.
THAT WOULD'VE FOOLED HER.
( thuds )
THANKS FOR THE "I'M SORRY" BEAR, BARBARA.
YOU'RE WELCOME, CODY.
I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU THE TRUTH RIGHT AWAY.
THANKS FOR THE "I'M SORRY" BEAR, BOB.
IT'S JUST MY WAY OF SAYING I FEEL BAD
THAT WE NEVER GOT TO SPEND MORE TIME TOGETHER.
THAT'S OKAY, BUDDY.
I UNDERSTAND. PEOPLE GROW APART,
FIND NEW INTERESTS.
WE'LL ALWAYS HAVE
THROWING WATER BALLOONS FROM THE TOP OF THE TIPTON.
( choked up ) THAT'S RIGHT. GOOD TIMES.
TISSUE, SIR?